Texting: How to interpret and understand a text

Ever read a text and thought "What does this mean"?

Well worry no more because I have come up with a way to understand what people are saying behind all their smiley faces and acronyms. 

Lets start with the most basic: Emoticons

Now if you send a text asking how someone is and get the response "I'm doing great" you have nothing to worry about because they are probably telling the truth. However if you add an emoticon the meaning all of the sudden changes.

What They Type....................................................................What They Mean

I'm doing great :)................................................................I'm Having a great day!

I'm doing great :D..............................................................I'M REALLY EXCITED!!

I'm doing great :/...................................................................It's an ok day I guess

I'm doing great :(....................................................................Bazinga! No I'm not

I'm doing great B)....................................................I'm doing great because I've got sunglasses

There are several different emoticons but these are the most common. Once in a while you might get a :O or a o_O or something. The first one usually means that they are surprised while the other one means that one eye is now bigger than there other and that they probably should see a doctor or something.

Next we move onto punctuation. Punctuation can be very difficult to decipher but if you have patience then you too can figure it out. For this example we will use the common "I'm fine" text

What They Type..............................................................................What They Mean

I'm Fine...................................................................................................I'm Fine
I'm fine!.......................................................................................I'm Fine, stop bugging me
I'm Fine?.................................................................................I think I'm fine or I'm fine...duh!
I'm Fine.  ........................................................................................I'm fine PERIOD
I'm fine/ ..........................................................................Their finger just slipped. They're really fine

Besides punctuation and emoticons there are also acronyms. These can sometimes just add to the confusion of a text. Why? because some of them have double meanings. So instead of using the regular acronyms we should make some that are actually true

LOL (laughing out Loud) becomes LQTM (Laughing Quietly To Myself).
Note: That is unless you are actually laughing out loud. In that case then....cool....

Example
Them: YOU"RE SOOO FUNNY LOL
vs.
Them: You're So Funny LQTM

FML (F*** My Life) becomes IWA (I Want Attention) or IAP (I Am Pathetic)
Note: No ones life is that bad. Suck it up!

Example
Them: My taco had no meat FML
vs.
Them: My taco had no meat IAP

TGIF (Thank Goodness It's Friday) becomes IF (I'M FREE!)

Example
Them: TGIF!
vs.
Them: IF!!

IDK (I Don' Know) becomes IDC (I Don't Care)

Example
Them: What should we do IDK what to do
vs.
Them: What should we do IDC what we do

JK (just kidding) becomes ICTWOJK (In Case That Was Offensive Just Kidding)

Example
You're Fat haha JK
vs.
You're Fat haha ICTWOJK

OMG (Oh My Gosh) becomes STFD (Shut the Front Door)
Note: I just changed it because OMG is annoying.

Lets be real...this doesn't need an example. It's just cool

K becomes
Note: that's right....we just get rid of it

WTF (What the Freak) becomes D (Dude...)
Note: You have to day "Dude" with a tone of "why did you do that"

This is the same as OMG

TTYL (Talk To You Later) becomes ITT (I'll Text Tomorrow or I'll Text Tonight or I'm The Terminator)

Example
I have a secret but I'll TTYL
vs.
I have a secret but ITT

Besides those here are some recommended Acronyms that are more fun

YMMTMIJWCMFS (You make me the maddest, I just want to change my Facebook status)

TWTW (That was totally wicked)

TGIC (That Girl I Cute)

ITI (I'll Tweet It!)- use as a threat

Finally we have the bane of every text message. The Ellipses. Narrowing it down they have about 6 different meanings depending on the context

Awkward Pause:
I like toast....

You're Weird:
Whatever you say....

They're 'thinking':
......why do you say that.....

Dramatic Pause:
I like.....toast......

Something's Wrong:
I'm ok....

They're just being annoying:
I....can't.....understand your...message..translate it.........k.

So let's now test your skills. Here is a text message that you must decipher. Good Luck

Them: Hi! Do you have the homework from today? I forgot it.... :D
If you can send it back that would be gr8 K :D

Them: Why arent U responding.....?

TRANSLATION
Them: HELLO FRIEND! I forgot the homework (awkward pause) Isn't that funny?
If you can send it that would be gr and the number 8. I'm really happy!

Them: Do you hate me (something's wrong)(awkward pause) oh that that's a question(another awkward pause)

There you have it. You can now read any text message with little or some difficulty.
You're welcome






















the word is bazinga

The 10 Types of People in a Chick Flick

Siting in my chair one day I realized that every Chick Flick has the same types of characters. My first thought was "are there 10 types?" Not because I wanted to know if there were 10 types but because I was bored. 

1) The Sweet and Shy Main Character

This person cannot be any more obvious. They are generally the person that has gotten out of a bad relation ship, ended a relationship, had someone die, or they are simply on the cover of the DVD case. If they are a guy they also always are wearing a suit as if it is their only article of clothing aside from the shorts and t-shirt they wear while  in the woods.

Conversation with Main Character
Me: So tell me about yourself
Them: Well...I never married because I wanted to further my career. However I have a deep longing to fall in love that I have been putting aside because I view it as a weakness. But now I realize that it is not a weakness...but a strength.
Me:.....ok....what are your thoughts on Sonic the Hedgehog?...go...

2) The Love Interest

This person is also easy to spot seeing as they are usually on the front of the DVD case too. The love interest can come from anywhere really. From a successful business person who doesn't know how to dress to a hobo...seriously! In the middle of the movie they are bound to have a life changing makeover that gets the main characters attention. Just think of the princess diaries transformation.

Conversation with Love Interest
Them: All I want is love (dreamily stare out window)

Me:....so no to the chicken romana?.....what are you looking at?

3) The Misunderstood Jerk
This is the guy that everyone looks at and says.."what a jerk". Whether it be because of his leather jacket or hardened expression, this guy is really a sweet person. The only reason he doesn't show it is because he needs to be strong and cool.

Conversation with Misunderstood Jerk
Me: Dude! Why did you just give that kid a wedgie but let the other kid go?
Them: The kid deserved a wedgie, but the other kid tried to protect him. He also had brown hair like my bunny, Giggles McJumpy.
Me: Whatever you say big guy, I was jus.....wait.....Giggles?

4) The Legitimate Jerk
This guy is just a jerk and nobody likes him for a good reason. Maybe it's his hair and everybody is jealous. Or maybe it's his muscles....we don't know. All we know is that we hate him.

Conversation with Misunderstood Jerk
Them: I am going to beat that kid up because I want to. I have absolutely no reason to do so except to watch him cry.
Me: Dude, that's heartless.
Them: Well it all started when..
Me: WAIT STOP! You aren't allowed to have any past story that may lead to redeeming qualities....it's in your contract. Sorry.

5) The Sweet and Shy guy who doesn't get the girl because he is not the main character
This second guy is usually the one that all the girls love because he isn't taken. People are usually upset when this guy doesn't get love but remember...it's not in his contract. Lets not give up hope though, there's always hope for a sequel!

Conversation with this guy
Me: Why are you looking at the window?
Them: (Looking out the window dreamily) because I'm thinking. I just saved the girl I love from death by giving her a blood transfusion but the first person she saw in the hospital was the main character who is equally as sweet and shy as me.
Me:.....(look through script) What kind of plot is this?

6) The Scheming Jealous Person
This person takes on many appearances. To me, it takes the appearance of a pasty white blond women with a large jaw and red dress. Sort of a Cruella DeVille meets Missi Pyle (Mrs. Beauregard from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory). Without fail, you always want this person to be hit by a bus by the halfway point. But don't get mad at them. They are there to move the plot of the movie forward!

Conversation with the Jealous Person
Me: You really think that releasing a swarm of bees into the wedding is going to solve anything?
Them: It's all simple. I ruin the big day and the hormonal bride will probably blame the groom. That will mean that there will be no wedding and that there will be more time for me to swoop in! My plan cannot fail, it is perfec...
Me: They just said 'I do'
Them: Crap! Fly me minions!
Me: Wow....out of all the beehives you had to get the empty one.
Them: I'll get another one and release it into the honey moon suite!
(runs outside and gets hit by bus)

7) The Funny/Helpful Friend
The Best friend. Sometimes they are combined with the person who doesn't get the girl because they aren't the main character. However the best friend has some other thing that makes them undesirable. They always seem to have really lax morals and living in a lower class than the friend.

Conversation with Friend
Them: You're a lucky guy. She really is a great girl. (Looks out window dramatically)
Me: What the heck are all you guys looking at?
Them: Nothing. I was just thinking how much I love her.
Me: Do you often pour out your feelings while looking out a window and thinking?
Them: The script didn't give me much to work with. It was either this or looking over the landscape on a horse.

8) The Old People that make the movie worth it
Let's be real. This is the only reason I watch Chick Flicks. There is always some old person that makes hilarious, sometimes inappropriate, and sometimes badly timed comments. They have the attitude of "I've lived longer than you, therefore I can do what ever I want". Apparently "What ever I want" includes scheming to get grand babies.

Conversation with The Old Person
Me: Wait Stop! That isn't safe and will not make them fall in love!
Them: Don't mess with me Seacrest! I survived two wars and the depression. I can survive base jumping! And what do you know about love! This will work. I WANT GRAND BABIES!!!!
(a couple hours later)
Me: I can't believe that worked.....
Them: Shut up! I can't hear my stories.

9) The Person That tries to help but really just messes stuff up
They're either clumsy or socially awkward. They've got some sort of quirky charm about them that makes what ever they do, no matter how bad it is, turn out good. Their attitude is usually overly optimistic and they always have a bright eyed innocence about them.

Conversation With This Person
Them: Who knew they both liked birds? I guess locking them in the aviary wasn't such a bad thing after all! I'm glad they're happy. (Looks out window dramatically)
Me: YOU TOO? What the heck is this movie!

10) The Phantom of the Opera
Yes. This is a Category. The Phantom. The guy that freaks everybody out but in the end everyone is cheering for. Thinking back I could have renamed this as the character that redeems himself but "The Phantom of the Opera" is so much cooler. With him you realize that he is a creeper though. Lets look at the facts. He's at least 20 years older than the girl, he spies on her in her dressing room from behind a mirror, he kidnaps her and tries to make her his bride, and then he goes on a killing spree trying to win her love. BUT WAIT!....he's got a cape, mask, and angelic voice.......all is forgiven!!!!

Conversation with The Phantom
Them: SING MY ANGEL OF MUSIC!
Me:...aw crap....
Them:....oh! sorry....wrong mirror
Me: whew!...that was scary (leaves room)
Person hiding in drapes: .....Is he gone?

The 10 Types of Nerds

When it comes to the world of Nerd and Dorkdom, it is important to know were you fall in the spectrum of nerd. Unlike other spectrums, this one only has three true categories: The Closet Nerd, The Normal Nerd, and the Obsessive Nerd. Within each group though there are the different types of nerds. Each devoted to their own different type of....thing....

1) The Closet Nerd is probably the most common type of nerd simply because they dominate the Middle and High Schools. Closet nerds however are the most likely to change into either a Normal Nerd or and Obsessive Nerd. The reason they are in the closet? Probably because they don't want to admit that they like something that everyone secretly loves. The big example is Pokemon in the middles school. You will be shunned and made fun of for playing in in public while the other kids are all playing it in private. Their just ashamed of their level 100 Charizard.

Conversation with a Closet Nerd
Me: Dude, have you ever played Pokemon?
Friend: Ya, a while ago. I've grown out of it..
Me: Bummer, I've been playing and I have a level 35 Charizard. One more level and it evolves!
Friend: Actually it evolves at level 37. Blastoise is the one that evolves at 36. Personally I would have chosen Squitle then trained a Grolithe as my fire type.
Me: .....what?.....
Friend: I mean.....uh......them Lakers eh? 


2) The Normal Nerds are probably the most manageable of the nerds. They enjoy their nerdy vices but they don't think it is the best. They have a basic knowledge of the different stories and nerd mediums and they have a favorite, but they are the least likely to put you down or challenge your favorite. Pretty chill and passive aggressive.

Conversation with a Normal Nerd
Me: Dude, I just saw Tron....it's awesome. I think it is my new favorite movie.
Friend: That's cool. I wasn't so much a fan of the movie but I like the concept of it all. I prefer Star Wars.
Me: Star Wars is pretty cool. Who would win? Rinzler or Count Dooku?
Friend: Rinzler for sure man.


3) The Obsessive Nerd is probably the most feared of all the nerds. Unlike the normal nerd that will have a logical (or as close to logical as you can) conversation with you, they will destroy you. Never engage one in a debate. If you win you can bet that you will find some threat in Klingon written on your door.

Conversation with The Obsessive Nerd
Me: I just got the new Pokemon game. I'm not going to lie, it's pretty fun.
Friend:....are you kidding me? 
Me: What?
Friend: You bought that game? With the 5th generation of Pokemon?
Me: Yes
Friend: Where is it? We Sacrifice it tonight to appease the mighty Mewtwo.
Me: You might want to rethink that man.
Friend: SILENCE HEATHEN


Those are the Three main personalities of a nerd. But what about the different worlds?

4) The Space Out Nerds. They are the people who like any kind of Science Fiction. From Star Wars to Star Trek. This is the group that you are most likely to see battles within the group however. The Enterprise Vs. the Millennium Falcon is a personal favorite of mine. No matter who you are in this group though. It is all agreed that Yoda is the ultimate winner of all battles with Darth Vader as a close second.

Conversation with a Space Out Nerd
Me: Dude, what is that?
Friend: It's my new lightsaber! What do you think?
Me: It's pretty cool....why is it purple?
Friend: So that it's like Mace Windu's.
Me: ....Isn't Mace Windu Black?
Friend: Yes
Me:....Dude, you're the whitest kid I kn...
Friend: Shhhh.......

5) Long Ago Lands Nerd. These nerds are the followers of Fantasies. Usually they can name every race in Middle Earth and can then speak the language of the elves. After that they would probably quote some prophesy and then talk about how they are the subject of said prophesy. In all reality I don't mind these nerds as long as they can also pull out the Religious themes and motifs from J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis's work. If they can't then I weep for the future.

Conversation with a Long Ago Lands Nerd
Friend: We should watch all of the Lord of the Rings Movies in one night.
Me: Ok, that sounds sweet.
Friend: We should also dress up.
Me:...um...ok....sure
Friend: I'll be Gandalf, you can be Frodo.
Me: ....I'm not that short man.

6) The Comic Book/Superhero Nerd. Admitting, I am one of these nerds. I can proudly say that I am a fan of the X-Men, That my Favorite Hero is The Green Lantern (but if I could be a superhero it would be Hulk), My favorite villain in Venom, and that my favorite superhero team is NOT the avengers (gasp!) But I think that the Justice League is the bomb. (Sorry for the Deception mates.) Honestly though, who isn't a superhero nerd? Everyone loves them! Usually the nerds also know more information about the superhero than is usually known.

Conversation with a Comic Book/Superhero Nerd
Me: Did you see the new Spider-Man Trailer?
Friend: Ya man, it looks awesome. I especially can't wait to see the Proto-Goblin.
Me: Who?
Friend: The Proto-Goblin, He was the test subject for the Green Goblin Serum. 
Me: Oh ya!.....that....guy....(poker face)


7) The Collectible Nerd. If you are this kind of nerd then you know exactly what I mean when I say, "I challenge you to a duel!) I don't know what it is, but it just feels cool when you have a deck or a game that is different from anyone else's. No one has your same cards. No one has your exact Pokemon team. It's just awesome to try and catch them all! One thing is aways agreed on between these nerds. Pokemon over Yu Gi Oh and Digimon and First Generation above all the others.

Conversation with The Collectible Nerd
Me: Arcanine! Use Fire Wheel!
Friend: Arbok, dodge and use Poison Bite!
(This would probably continue for about an hour so I'm not going to try and finish this conversation)

8) War Time Nerd. These are the black ops kids. They think they know everything to war because they have have fought off a horde of Nazi Zombies. If all our soldiers were playing these games the wars we are in would be over....no joke...sort of joke but mostly serious.

Conversation with a War Time Nerd
To tell you honestly I don't know what these conversations are like or I can't think of one off the top of my head. They'll probably list of a number of guns and then describe how they killed an entire army singly handed. They will also without fail talk about how they blew someones head off. 


9) Whovian. What is a Whovian? Have you ever heard of Doctor Who? Why are you shaking your head? Are you a hater? Probably. Doctor Who is one of those shows that people either hate or love. And when it is loved you cannot sway a follower from talking against it. It does however have the most contention. People always have their favorite Doctor and favorite Companion. Personally I like the 6th and 3rd doctor and Amy and Rory as the companions. Don't judge.

Conversation with a Whovian
Me: Don't Blink
Friend: But I need fish custerd
Me: Fine, could you pass me my sonic?
Friend: Sure, could you pass me my Fob Watch?
Me: Dude, don't open it yet. If you do then the angels will recognize you and take the phone box.
Friend: Let's be real, they will recognize us anyway because I'm wearing a Fez and your wearing a bow tie.
Me:....At least we go down looking cool....
(As you can see, both me and my friend are Whovians)

10) Harry Potter Nerds. Let's just say that there were a lot of disappointed people after Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part II. Not because it was bad (it was awesome). But because there are no more movies. Don't worry though....there's always Pottermore....

Conversation with a Harry Potter Nerd

These are the categories. People usually fit into a couple of different categories. If you only fall into one then you must be really devoted. Personally I'm a true blood Whovian, Space Out, Collectible, Superhero nerd with a touch of Long Ago Lands.

My encounter with a ghost

I've never given much thought to ghosts. I personally don't believe in them. But after the experience that happened a couple nights ago....I am now a believer.

It all started when I went to start my car. When I got in I noticed that the gas gauge was pointing to low. It was strange because I had recently filled it up. Now it was empty, how do you explain that? I then started the car and was amazed to see that it had gone back to full..........I don't know any other explanation other than some foul creature had stolen all my gas and then put it all back. Why else would it go from empty to full in less than a second! It was trying to get to me.

Later that day I had to take a test in the testing center. I decided to take one of the only free desks which happened to be right at the front of the giant room. I thought these would all be taken because it's so perfect. No one bothers you and it's by a window. Little did I know that it was HAUNTED!!! The entire time I was feeling a cold presence on my left side....ONLY...my left side. I think it was the spirit of a student who was caught cheating and he hasn't left. Or stopped cheating. I know this was a ghost because it was cold outside that day, and why on earth would the testing center have it's air conditioning on? They wouldn't because they, unlike us lowly humble test takers, are intelligent. It wanted my test answers. So I decided to trick it and I answered every single question wrong. Who's the smart one now? I just tricked a ghost.

I believe the cheating ghost followed me home that night because every time I passed a window or a vent I felt it's presence. Finally I decided to confront it. I opened the drapes and saw a FACE!!!.....after I let my brother into the house looked around for any spiritual evidence of a ghost. I then clearly saw the tree start shaking and the leaves started to fall. The dastardly ghost....clearly not an eco-friendly ghost.

Now you might think that I'm making this stuff up, but I'm not! You want proof? I haven't told anyone this...but I'm psychic. Every time there is a disturbance on a psychic level...I hear a sound. Inexplicably every time there is a ghost I start to hear Stairway to Heaven. Is there a message there? I think so! I have therefore decided to fight against ghosts and send them to where ever they came from!

(5 minutes later)

....Hi....this is the ghost.....I hacked Jeremy's blogger. All the stuff up top is all real so I thought I'd just put in a plug for all you unbelievers. Now that I've done that I guess I'll go cause some mayhem (allstate style) like close a door or turn off a light...ghost stuff. Dang I hear him coming. Gotta go

P.S. he got the building wrong....I'm from the SWKT

The 10 Types of Texters

In my experience as a texter of this generation, I have encountered 10 different types of texters. I'm sure there are more but these are the ones that seem to be more common than others.

1) The first and most abundant type of texter is the "Normal Texter" This could really be anyone, usually a friend or significant other. When they text, they usually text in such a fashion that if you were to read them out loud it would be as if you were actually talking to him/her. However, this type of texter is the most susceptible to corruption from any or all of the other groups.

Normal Text Conversation:

Me: Hey! What's up?

Them: Nothing much, just chillin' How was school?

Me: It was decent, I'd of rather stayed home.

Them: haha, I know how you feel

Me: Wanna meet up someplace?

Them: Sure, see you in 5.

2) The next type of texter is the "minimum amount of info" texter. These people, as their name describes, are usually the ones that text the least amount of info possible. Almost all of us have this type of texter in us, but it usually only comes out when we're doing something important like school...or avoiding.... According to a recent poll that is entirely ficticious, this group is the main cause of broken phones because usually the recipient will throw it out a window or on the ground out of frustration. It is also possible that they also just don't want to talk to you.

Minimum Info Conversation

You: What's up?

Them: Nothing.

You: Really? You're not doing anything?

Them: yep

You: Wow, boring. What about school?

Them: It's good

You:...Care to expound?

Them: nope

You: K....nothing?...Really?

Them: Yep

You: You need a life.

Them: Ya. I'm gunna go do homework...

You: SO YOU WERE DOING SOMETHING!!!!!

3) Now this is the opposite of the "minimum information". This is "The Novelist". These are the people that send you a text so long that half way through you give up and just reply "bummer" because if anyone is sending a text that long they are probably venting. Never seen a happy go lucky text that managed to cover 3 messages. But ask a friend one question about their bf/gf and BAM...you've just woken a sleeping giant. Now don't get confused, if the person really needs help and needs someone to talk to I'm always there. But please...I really don't care about your cat you named Johnny Depp.

The Novelist Conversation

Me: Hey! How was school

Them: Don't even get me started! First I had chemistry with blah blah blah.......

(7 messages later)

.... and that's why I'm never moving to Finland

Me:...Bummer...

4) Now this is the one that for guys will always get them in a lot of trouble. This is "The Flirt". These are the people that in the middle of the day they randomly text you something like "Hey Babe. You're looking hawt!" After you read that you have to explain to every single person that happened to be there and read the message that they are just joking. And almost every time you will get the response..."do they know that it's a joke?"

I hope they do because apparently I'm engaged to 3 different girls....

The Flirt Conversation:

Them: Hey hottie. Thinking of you

Me: That's nice

Them: C'mon babe, why won't you talk to me? You're making me sad! :(

Me: Sorry, I'm just a little busy...

Them: With who! Some other woman!

Me: Hey this is Jeremy's dad. He just went into surgery. I'm sure he'll dream of you

(thanks dad...)

5) The Foreign Language....how did these people even function in school? I don't mean bilingual people. I mean people who thing they are typing English when in reality it looks like they are typing martian

The Foreign Language Conversation

Me: Dude, what's up?

Them: Nthing mn. Wazzup choo?

Me: What?

Them: Whacho been upto?

Me: Oh! Nothing much. Just going to a movie later

Them: DUDE! DAT TOTES ROCKS BRO! hf.

Me: Thanks?

Them: rotflmal

Me: That's it. I'm getting you a dictionary.

6) "The Photographer" These are the people that at least three times a week send you a picture of something. It can either be deep like a flower in the dessert or something dumb like a cat wearing a top hat. In either case, these people get annoying really fast.

The Photographer Conversation

Them: Lol how cute! (Picture of two cats at tea party)

Me: Haha, that's awesome. Where was this?

Them: At my house. I dressed them up

Me: Dude, man card revoked

7) "The Joker" This is the person that when ever they text you can guarantee that they sent you a joke. Sometimes they're good. Sometimes you wish you could slap them through your phone.

The Joker Conversation

Them: Knock Knock

Me: um...whose there?

Them: Dwayne

Me: Dwayne who?

Them: Dwayne the tub? I'm Drowning!

Me: Is that a promise?

8) The Ignore.... You all know who it is. They either don't have their phone or they just don't want to talk to you. I suggest sending them 50 messages that all say the same thing.

The Ignore Conversation

Me: Dude, what's up?

9) We have all gotten the text that we know was sent to every single person you know. These are "The Invite/Group only" texters. It's not like they're bad...it's just irritating since that's all they send. Half the time they don't even know how you are. They just happen to have your number because you worked on an assignment together.

Then Invite/Group only Conversation

Them: Party at my place at 7. Pass the word!

Me: Cool, where do you live?

Them: Who is this?

10) Finally there is the last and most dastardly of all texters. And the sad thing is that sometimes they don't even have a phone. That's right, these are "The Phone Snatchers". These are the guys who find out who your secret crush is and decide to text her with strange and embarrassing messages. These are the guys who decide to steal your phone and text your parents about doing drugs or other strange confessions. Keep your phone close

The Phone Snatcher Conversation

Fake Me: Hey Beautiful. I love you.

Them:....um.....thanks?.....

Meanwhile in real life: Dudes....have you seen my phone?

NO!! (shoves it under couch cushion)

Besides these there are tons of others. In the end the best choice would be to just call them or write a letter. Much safer.

The Pentathlon: A Realistic Triathlon

Welcome to the readers sheet for the Fourth annual Provo Pentathlon. The event is much like a normal Triathlon with a few minor tweaks to give it what we feel is a more realist and less stressful time. The main events are as follows: Run, Bike, Swim. The other two events are combined with the Bike portion and the Swim portion.

To begin, you will run a 5k. Some of you will find this simple as you have been training for some time now...The rest of you will be wishing you were dead by the end of the second mile. There will be water stations along the course. However, keep in mind that you can not stop and will have to grab the cup out of one of our volunteers hands. If you manage to only get 3 drops of water total...consider yourself lucky.

The second event is the bike. You will be biking 10 miles all up hill and possibly in the rain. When (not if) your bike breaks down, you have just started the third event...bike repair. You will be asked to properly show how to fix your bike if:

a) The tire pops

b)The chain falls off

or c) The bike spontaneously combusted.

You are allowed to use whatever methods necessary, but keep in mind, fire extinguishers are not readily available in the forest.

The Fourth and Fifth event are as follows. Getting into your wetsuit, swimming five miles....up hill, then getting out of your wetsuit. For those athletes who thought they were so clever for not bringing a wetsuit, don't worry. We have devised a test that is almost equally as painful and humiliating. You will be asked to swim through a tank of hungry piranha while wearing clown make-up. We considered having you dress completely up as a clown....but we didn't want you to go through as much pain as the wetsuit wearers.

We wish all of you the best of luck. Not only luck in the race, but also luck in finding the finish line that was hidden by the creators of Where's Waldo.

Have Fun!