Siting in my chair one day I realized that every Chick Flick has the same types of characters. My first thought was "are there 10 types?" Not because I wanted to know if there were 10 types but because I was bored.
This person cannot be any more obvious. They are generally the person that has gotten out of a bad relation ship, ended a relationship, had someone die, or they are simply on the cover of the DVD case. If they are a guy they also always are wearing a suit as if it is their only article of clothing aside from the shorts and t-shirt they wear while in the woods.
Conversation with Main Character
Me: So tell me about yourself
Them: Well...I never married because I wanted to further my career. However I have a deep longing to fall in love that I have been putting aside because I view it as a weakness. But now I realize that it is not a weakness...but a strength.
Me:.....ok....what are your thoughts on Sonic the Hedgehog?...go...
Conversation with Main Character
Me: So tell me about yourself
Them: Well...I never married because I wanted to further my career. However I have a deep longing to fall in love that I have been putting aside because I view it as a weakness. But now I realize that it is not a weakness...but a strength.
Me:.....ok....what are your thoughts on Sonic the Hedgehog?...go...
2) The Love Interest
This person is also easy to spot seeing as they are usually on the front of the DVD case too. The love interest can come from anywhere really. From a successful business person who doesn't know how to dress to a hobo...seriously! In the middle of the movie they are bound to have a life changing makeover that gets the main characters attention. Just think of the princess diaries transformation.
Conversation with Love Interest
Them: All I want is love (dreamily stare out window)
Conversation with Love Interest
Them: All I want is love (dreamily stare out window)
Me:....so no to the chicken romana?.....what are you looking at?
3) The Misunderstood Jerk
This is the guy that everyone looks at and says.."what a jerk". Whether it be because of his leather jacket or hardened expression, this guy is really a sweet person. The only reason he doesn't show it is because he needs to be strong and cool.
Conversation with Misunderstood Jerk
Me: Dude! Why did you just give that kid a wedgie but let the other kid go?
Them: The kid deserved a wedgie, but the other kid tried to protect him. He also had brown hair like my bunny, Giggles McJumpy.
Me: Whatever you say big guy, I was jus.....wait.....Giggles?
This is the guy that everyone looks at and says.."what a jerk". Whether it be because of his leather jacket or hardened expression, this guy is really a sweet person. The only reason he doesn't show it is because he needs to be strong and cool.
Conversation with Misunderstood Jerk
Me: Dude! Why did you just give that kid a wedgie but let the other kid go?
Them: The kid deserved a wedgie, but the other kid tried to protect him. He also had brown hair like my bunny, Giggles McJumpy.
Me: Whatever you say big guy, I was jus.....wait.....Giggles?
4) The Legitimate Jerk
This guy is just a jerk and nobody likes him for a good reason. Maybe it's his hair and everybody is jealous. Or maybe it's his muscles....we don't know. All we know is that we hate him.
Conversation with Misunderstood Jerk
Them: I am going to beat that kid up because I want to. I have absolutely no reason to do so except to watch him cry.
Me: Dude, that's heartless.
Them: Well it all started when..
Me: WAIT STOP! You aren't allowed to have any past story that may lead to redeeming qualities....it's in your contract. Sorry.
This guy is just a jerk and nobody likes him for a good reason. Maybe it's his hair and everybody is jealous. Or maybe it's his muscles....we don't know. All we know is that we hate him.
Conversation with Misunderstood Jerk
Them: I am going to beat that kid up because I want to. I have absolutely no reason to do so except to watch him cry.
Me: Dude, that's heartless.
Them: Well it all started when..
Me: WAIT STOP! You aren't allowed to have any past story that may lead to redeeming qualities....it's in your contract. Sorry.
5) The Sweet and Shy guy who doesn't get the girl because he is not the main character
This second guy is usually the one that all the girls love because he isn't taken. People are usually upset when this guy doesn't get love but remember...it's not in his contract. Lets not give up hope though, there's always hope for a sequel!
Conversation with this guy
Me: Why are you looking at the window?
Them: (Looking out the window dreamily) because I'm thinking. I just saved the girl I love from death by giving her a blood transfusion but the first person she saw in the hospital was the main character who is equally as sweet and shy as me.
Me:.....(look through script) What kind of plot is this?
This second guy is usually the one that all the girls love because he isn't taken. People are usually upset when this guy doesn't get love but remember...it's not in his contract. Lets not give up hope though, there's always hope for a sequel!
Conversation with this guy
Me: Why are you looking at the window?
Them: (Looking out the window dreamily) because I'm thinking. I just saved the girl I love from death by giving her a blood transfusion but the first person she saw in the hospital was the main character who is equally as sweet and shy as me.
Me:.....(look through script) What kind of plot is this?
6) The Scheming Jealous Person
This person takes on many appearances. To me, it takes the appearance of a pasty white blond women with a large jaw and red dress. Sort of a Cruella DeVille meets Missi Pyle (Mrs. Beauregard from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory). Without fail, you always want this person to be hit by a bus by the halfway point. But don't get mad at them. They are there to move the plot of the movie forward!
Conversation with the Jealous Person
Me: You really think that releasing a swarm of bees into the wedding is going to solve anything?
Them: It's all simple. I ruin the big day and the hormonal bride will probably blame the groom. That will mean that there will be no wedding and that there will be more time for me to swoop in! My plan cannot fail, it is perfec...
Me: They just said 'I do'
Them: Crap! Fly me minions!
Me: Wow....out of all the beehives you had to get the empty one.
Them: I'll get another one and release it into the honey moon suite!
(runs outside and gets hit by bus)
This person takes on many appearances. To me, it takes the appearance of a pasty white blond women with a large jaw and red dress. Sort of a Cruella DeVille meets Missi Pyle (Mrs. Beauregard from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory). Without fail, you always want this person to be hit by a bus by the halfway point. But don't get mad at them. They are there to move the plot of the movie forward!
Conversation with the Jealous Person
Me: You really think that releasing a swarm of bees into the wedding is going to solve anything?
Them: It's all simple. I ruin the big day and the hormonal bride will probably blame the groom. That will mean that there will be no wedding and that there will be more time for me to swoop in! My plan cannot fail, it is perfec...
Me: They just said 'I do'
Them: Crap! Fly me minions!
Me: Wow....out of all the beehives you had to get the empty one.
Them: I'll get another one and release it into the honey moon suite!
(runs outside and gets hit by bus)
7) The Funny/Helpful Friend
The Best friend. Sometimes they are combined with the person who doesn't get the girl because they aren't the main character. However the best friend has some other thing that makes them undesirable. They always seem to have really lax morals and living in a lower class than the friend.
Conversation with Friend
Them: You're a lucky guy. She really is a great girl. (Looks out window dramatically)
Me: What the heck are all you guys looking at?
Them: Nothing. I was just thinking how much I love her.
Me: Do you often pour out your feelings while looking out a window and thinking?
Them: The script didn't give me much to work with. It was either this or looking over the landscape on a horse.
The Best friend. Sometimes they are combined with the person who doesn't get the girl because they aren't the main character. However the best friend has some other thing that makes them undesirable. They always seem to have really lax morals and living in a lower class than the friend.
Conversation with Friend
Them: You're a lucky guy. She really is a great girl. (Looks out window dramatically)
Me: What the heck are all you guys looking at?
Them: Nothing. I was just thinking how much I love her.
Me: Do you often pour out your feelings while looking out a window and thinking?
Them: The script didn't give me much to work with. It was either this or looking over the landscape on a horse.
8) The Old People that make the movie worth it
Let's be real. This is the only reason I watch Chick Flicks. There is always some old person that makes hilarious, sometimes inappropriate, and sometimes badly timed comments. They have the attitude of "I've lived longer than you, therefore I can do what ever I want". Apparently "What ever I want" includes scheming to get grand babies.
Conversation with The Old Person
Me: Wait Stop! That isn't safe and will not make them fall in love!
Them: Don't mess with me Seacrest! I survived two wars and the depression. I can survive base jumping! And what do you know about love! This will work. I WANT GRAND BABIES!!!!
(a couple hours later)
Me: I can't believe that worked.....
Them: Shut up! I can't hear my stories.
Let's be real. This is the only reason I watch Chick Flicks. There is always some old person that makes hilarious, sometimes inappropriate, and sometimes badly timed comments. They have the attitude of "I've lived longer than you, therefore I can do what ever I want". Apparently "What ever I want" includes scheming to get grand babies.
Conversation with The Old Person
Me: Wait Stop! That isn't safe and will not make them fall in love!
Them: Don't mess with me Seacrest! I survived two wars and the depression. I can survive base jumping! And what do you know about love! This will work. I WANT GRAND BABIES!!!!
(a couple hours later)
Me: I can't believe that worked.....
Them: Shut up! I can't hear my stories.
9) The Person That tries to help but really just messes stuff up
They're either clumsy or socially awkward. They've got some sort of quirky charm about them that makes what ever they do, no matter how bad it is, turn out good. Their attitude is usually overly optimistic and they always have a bright eyed innocence about them.
Conversation With This Person
Them: Who knew they both liked birds? I guess locking them in the aviary wasn't such a bad thing after all! I'm glad they're happy. (Looks out window dramatically)
Me: YOU TOO? What the heck is this movie!
They're either clumsy or socially awkward. They've got some sort of quirky charm about them that makes what ever they do, no matter how bad it is, turn out good. Their attitude is usually overly optimistic and they always have a bright eyed innocence about them.
Conversation With This Person
Them: Who knew they both liked birds? I guess locking them in the aviary wasn't such a bad thing after all! I'm glad they're happy. (Looks out window dramatically)
Me: YOU TOO? What the heck is this movie!
10) The Phantom of the Opera
Yes. This is a Category. The Phantom. The guy that freaks everybody out but in the end everyone is cheering for. Thinking back I could have renamed this as the character that redeems himself but "The Phantom of the Opera" is so much cooler. With him you realize that he is a creeper though. Lets look at the facts. He's at least 20 years older than the girl, he spies on her in her dressing room from behind a mirror, he kidnaps her and tries to make her his bride, and then he goes on a killing spree trying to win her love. BUT WAIT!....he's got a cape, mask, and angelic voice.......all is forgiven!!!!
Conversation with The Phantom
Them: SING MY ANGEL OF MUSIC!
Me:...aw crap....
Them:....oh! sorry....wrong mirror
Me: whew!...that was scary (leaves room)
Person hiding in drapes: .....Is he gone?
Yes. This is a Category. The Phantom. The guy that freaks everybody out but in the end everyone is cheering for. Thinking back I could have renamed this as the character that redeems himself but "The Phantom of the Opera" is so much cooler. With him you realize that he is a creeper though. Lets look at the facts. He's at least 20 years older than the girl, he spies on her in her dressing room from behind a mirror, he kidnaps her and tries to make her his bride, and then he goes on a killing spree trying to win her love. BUT WAIT!....he's got a cape, mask, and angelic voice.......all is forgiven!!!!
Conversation with The Phantom
Them: SING MY ANGEL OF MUSIC!
Me:...aw crap....
Them:....oh! sorry....wrong mirror
Me: whew!...that was scary (leaves room)
Person hiding in drapes: .....Is he gone?
I'm glad I am not the only one who only watches chick flicks for the old people. Have you ever seen "Return to Me"? That is probably the single best example I know of old people making a chick flick watchable.
ReplyDeleteHee hee that made me giggle :)
ReplyDeleteDavid! Return to Me is amazing! I love it :) And, yes, the old people in that movie are basically the best part.
ReplyDeleteJeremy- This is great! :)