The 10 types: Tinder

In case any of you missed me....I am back. If you didn't notice....surprise!

Coming home from an LDS mission can give a person culture shock no matter where you served. I was introduced formally to "vines", "the Cloud", and "Frozen" among other things.

However, the strangest thing that I was acquainted with was this "Tinder" thing. A dating app that all you have to do is swipe left or right? The only thing you have to judge is how a person looks, what common interests are, and a less than 500 character description? Let's see what happens....

Now, I'm not here to do a review because my opinion in these things isn't worth anything. I will say that the app seems to attract the a different type of person than the regular dating websites and such (how do I know that....shut up......)

So based on observation and science, here are:
"The 10 Types of Girl on Tinder"
(side note: all names are made up)

1. The Normal Ones
Who are the normal ones? How can you tell? For starters, they treat this like an actual dating app. They introduce themselves, give relevant information, then end. Nothing more, nothing less. They know why this app exists are are going to use it for its designer created purpose. Their pictures are normal too. One of them smiling, another maybe with a friend, and another of them by themselves doing something normal.

Bio of a Normal One:
Hi! I'm Lucy. I'm a 5'5" girl with blond hair and blue eyes. LDS. I'm going to BYU in the fall studying something. I like hiking and video games. If we hang out, we will probably watch netfix and play mario. I'm kind of a nerd.

Don't be Shy! Chat me!
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2. The Sneaky Ones
These are the girls that have done something to the age thing and made them appear older or younger than they really are. Besides that, they usually fall into one of the other groups as well (it is possible to have a combination of groups here). While in some cases harmless (it says 20 but they're really 19), other cases can make you rethink downloading the app (says 21, they're actually 16).

Bio of a Sneaky One
Lol, not actually 21 but 17. StUPiD facebook >.< im just here to meet.......(etc.)
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3. The Confusing Ones
The Confusing Ones are the people who confuse you. You see their pictures and their bio and it doesn't match up. For example, girls who say, "I'm not looking for a hook up but I do like to have a good time".....
What in the world does that mean? That's like saying, "no...but yes"
Another example are the girls saying they don't want want to actually use the app and that their friends or room-mates are forcing them. Then they proceed to give a very clear and precise description of themselves and the guy they're looking for. I'm just sitting their thinking, "sure your friends "forced" you to do this..."

Bio of a Confusing One
Like OMG, this is so embarrassing. My friends are making me do this. I'm a 5'2" Shorty. Gemini and I act like it (author note: what does that even mean?) Blond but sometimes brunette/strawberry pink. I'm just looking for a guy with big muscles, a jeep, and a beard to take me on an adventure. If you like starbursts that's a plus. I'm not looking for a hook up because I'm not that kind of girl. But I do like to have fun! lol
(insert instagram/snapchat/skype name)
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4. The "Cow-Girls"
Are you country at heart? Do you like muscles and beards? Do you only listen to Tim McGraw and whoever else is famous at the moment? You must be a "Cow-Girl". Without fail they will have a picture of them with a horse and a couple nature shots out on the open range (they will be very overdressed to catch sheep.)

Bio of a Cow-Girl
I love country music and I'm a total country girl. I love horses and the country. I wish I actually lived in the country. Take me to the country?....
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5. The ?????'s
Who are these people? Where did they come from? Like....seriously.....those are the questions you think when you see their tinder profiles. Do they look strange? They could. They could also look totally normal and it's their bio that makes you think, "what the what?

Bio of a ?????
Take me on a ride on your motorcycle to the moon. :) (is that a double entendre?....I'm not getting it....)
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6. The Movies
It could be anyone. Their bio only contains a quote from a movie. If I didn't know better, they could be the character!
 Here are the popular ones:
"So...big gulps huh?"
"I'm________ and I like to Party"
(if you have more, leave them in the comments)
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7. The "One of the Bros"
They are basically dudes. And strangely enough, a lot of them are really attractive. The do all the things that are stereotypical for dudes: Hunting, motocross, shotgun shooting, etc. I could be putting a huge judging stamp on them, but their bio makes me think of a dude in a girls body. (side note, I am not making a statement on gender roles here. This is light satire....get over it.)

Bio of "One of the Bros"
Hey, I'm Tory. I'm a 5'8" ball of joy. I love hunting with the guys and living in the woods eating nothing but pine cones and wood larvae. Message me and we'll go on an adventure!
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8. The Sneaky Bros
Simply put, they are dudes that somehow ended up on the girls page. Moving on

I've never read their bios.....the wind doesn't blow that way for me.
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9. The Models
These girls are drop dead gorgeous. All her pictures are from a photo shoot. Even the not photo shoot pictures of her are amazing. She's perfect! She's the one! She.....has no personality......dang it. (swipe left)

Bio of The Model
I'm looking for the wun. (insert emojis I don't understand)
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10. The Mysterious Ones
Nothing is known about here. She has no bio. Maybe pictures will give a hint....huh.....5 selfie pictures of her bangs and left eye.......

Bio of The Mysterious One



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Now lets be serious for a second:

There you have it. Now, I want to give some advise to some of those on tinder. I generally think of myself as one of those, "Nice, Sweet guys" that everyone is looking for (albeit a tad sarcastic and a weakness for thinking that a lot of people are idiots). So for the sake of the good guys out there and for the wholesome girls I know are out there here are the do's and don'ts for girls.

DON'T

• Post duck face selfies
• Post selfies at all really
• Try and dress immodestly or wear too much make-up. It can be scary....
• Be so shallow as to say you will only date someone with the muscle structure of The Hulk
• Invite people to chat if you're really not willing to.
• Post pictures hugging another dude....that's just uncomfortable.
• Friend-Zone the poor bro before he even swipes right.

and for the dudes there are only 2

• Don't have your shirt off
• and don't be a tool.

If you want to attract the "nice guys" do this

• Be intelligent.
• Have a personality
• Don't fit the cookie cutter mold of wanting "adventure with a buff bearded bro on his boat/motorcycle/4 wheeler hybrid (that's also part horse)." 
• Don't try so hard. With the make up and fashion shows, it almost feels like window shopping (which is really uncomfortable.)

There you have it. I'll probably make fun of tinder and such again. Nothing personal....it's just too easy. 

Hope you enjoyed. And if not....let the angry tyrade letters begin!

-Mann

Now is the time

The young man walks down the road
doesn't travel very far
and when he reaches the end of the road
he turns and travels back
"I am not ready for what lies ahead
I just need some more time"
So every day he walks that road
and always turns around

Then one day he sees a storm
and thinks "now's the time"
and pushes headlong into the storm
as rain drops and lightning cracks
"What better time to pass this way
it can only get better"
but then the fire of hell came up
to make is soul surrender

Now is the time for bravery
Now is the time for strength.
Now is the time for the heroes
to leave the Golden Gates
Now is the time for man
to stand and prove his worth
We are the change in the world
We are the hope of the earth.

The Last Post for Two Years

Dudes and Dudettes,
The time has come. I am about to embark on a two year LDS mission to the New York, New York North area speaking Spanish. I'm not much good at good-byes so I will simply say God be with you till we meet again.

Jilted Lovers and Broken Hearts

This is a good song...so listen to it.....

The Road Will Never End

What evil comes to me
drifting like rejected dreams
pulling me away
from the brightness of another day
he binds me for lack of faith
just waits for me to fade
and for the darkness of the shade
he is patient in every way

I need a helping hand
I need a listening ear
the darkness comes to me
yet no longer do I fear
Fight back the tears of hope
I thought I lost my grace
but then I saw your eyes
and I knew I had a second chance

There's no one there to help
but wait, here comes the rain
falling like miracles diamonds
washing away the pain
And for the darkness the shade
he will never rise
he's stopped when time goes by
looking in your sapphire eyes

I'm now ready to walk the road
to travel and never fail
I know my master is there
even though he's out of sight, I swear
that I will never lower my voice
I will never stop to rest
I know I must carry on
because the road will never end

Courtesy of J. Golden Kimball

Well.....Could have been worse
could have been a birthday......

To not be a "H8er"

There are things that people don't like, that is inevitable. But at what point does not liking something become "hating" or "being a hater of something"?

Let's take music for example. Someone says, "Hey! I like Johnny Cash!". The person who just doesn't like it as much, may even hate it will only say. "They're not my favorite" Then if asked why they will give their reasons. Now if they're a Hater, they will not only tell you that they don't like him...but they will also give every single reason why they don't and explain that you are a bad person for liking his music.

What it comes down to I suppose is the intensity of the discussion and the intent for hating them.

I can respect your opinion if you have logical reasons for not liking something.....but if your only reason is "It's stupid" or "it sounds dumb" or some other mud slinging phrase.....I might lose my cool......which isn't...cool....

People can have differing opinions of something and still be friends. Me and my brotha Andrew Woodruff have had a heated debate on who would win a fight between Gandalf and Aslan (Me for the mighty lion and him for the mighty wizard), yet we have both agreed to disagree because we realize that we have differing opinions on this subject. Furthermore we also realize that it's kind of ridiculous to argue over.....

For a while I have tried to not be the said "hater". In an attempt to get rid of the hater label that I have acquired on a couple things, I have decided to open my mind to it.

That includes the ridiculous videos of Balloon Shop (which although they are still weird, they now have a special place in my heart), Country Music (don't mind the accent too much now), and the album "Flamingo" by Brandon Flowers (Magdalena is one of my favorite songs now)

I will however forever be a hater of Justin Bieber and other bad music (that includes boy bands and Rebecca Black)

The Man Upon the Road

Look at that man upon the road

His hair all messed and greasy

If he had only been a good man

his life would be quite easy.

His jacket has no sleeves

and his shoes they have no soles

he looks as if he bathed in mud

his tattered shirt has holes

He sits there on the corner

"God Bless" His sign does say

but no one ever notices

so he sits there everyday

Look at the man upon the road

his face is full of shadow

if he had been a better man

his life would not be hollow

but from the crowd, he hears a cry

A child lost and scared

he stands up and walks towards her

his eyes full of hope and care

'Take this coin', he told the girl

'and take it to the phone'

'call your folks and let them know

then they can take you home.'

He then gave the girl his quarter

the only thing he owned

and with a smile he showed her the dial

then went back to his corner home

The parents came and got their daughter

and the man asked for nothing more

he laid his head upon the stone

his blanket damp cardboard.

People asked, why would this man

sacrifice all he owned

to help a child who had lost their way

then return to be alone?

'Judge not that you be not judged'

came the answer to their hearts

'for while this man is strange and gruff

your souls are worlds apart'

'For though you may be happy

and comfortable with life

you do not know of sacrifice

to live beneath the knife'

'For while this man may look of fear

and live upon the street

he has in him a heart of gold

and a spirit kind and sweet.'

'In him is all the good

his soul is bright and fair

he gives what he will not receive

that is hope from one who cares.'

'Who is this man upon the street?

what evil made him fall?

The answer child is nothing

for he is greater than us all. '

Thinking Deep

Have you ever felt deep? Not actually thinking anything deep....you just feel deep. Like the next sentence you say could be quotable and change everybody's life?

It's strange though...when you're in this haze of deep feelingness....you can't actually think of anything deep. All you want to do is sit around.....listen to indie music....and use a lot of ellipses.....

What came first....the color orange....or the fruit orange. Which is named after the other?

Who came up with some words? Like..... avocado......that is a weird word.....

How come little dogs are so yappy.....do they have a Napoleonic complex or something?

What if Han Solo had a Twin?......then he wouldn't be solo.....

What if you traveled someplace 30 miles away and were traveling 30 mph....but got there in 55 min?

What if police dogs were chihuahuas?

Finals

Finals
they wipe your mind

The 10 types of Student

Since I'm doing this post for the first time in a long time I feel obligated to say "It's been a while blah blah blah"

Instead I'll just say "Dude....what's up?" ignore your answer because I can't hear you (unless you call or text me...that would be weird) then continue on with the post.

1) Diligent Student

To start things we have your average Diligent Student. They try and find a balance between healthy lifestyle and good education...getting....Their natural habitat is the library where they constantly have their heads down in books and only look up to scare you away from their table. They may think that they have everything balanced...but underneath lurks a stress beast just trying to get out.

Conversation with the Diligent Student
Me: Dude, want to hang out?
Them: Ya sure, let me just finish my bio packet.
Me: Cool

2) Slacker Student

The Slacker Student is the bane of a professors existence. They don't ever come to class. Ever. Some say that they don't exist because no one has ever seen them. Well there is a place you can see them....at the bottom of the testing center stairs. They don't care how, but they need to read the last 200 pages of their bio book before they go take a test. But hey! If it works for you, kudos!

Conversation with a Slacker Student
Me: Hey can you help me with the physics homework?
Them: What physics homework?
Me: The assignment he gave us after he blew up the balloons
Them: He blew up balloons?
Me: Ya, during class?
Them: We had class!?

3) Straight A Student

They are usually found at the professors offices and at TA labs. If they get an A- look out! they will pitch and moan about it until it is changed. If you do happen to see their paper before them, take it upon yourself to either warn everyone else about it OR just put a little line through the - to make it a +. Add a smiley face for good luck.

Conversation with a Straight A Student
Me: Have you seen the straight A student? I haven't seen him for a week
Them: Ya I don't know. He should probably reappear in a couple weeks after finals
Me: We have finals?...

4) Getting By Student

These students work hard. Maybe even harder than the regular student. The only problem is that they either don't like it, they don't care, or it has nothing to do with their major. A majority of these students are found in freshmen classes. It's not that they're dumb (that's a different student). It's just not their cup of herbal tea. 

Conversation with a Getting By Student
Them: We should do something totally awesome man!
Me: Don't you have a test tomorrow?
Them: Ya, Don't worry. I already studied
Me: Shouldn't you get some sleep?
Them: I'll be fine....hey.....were's the straight A student?

5) Out of State Student

There are a lot of students from out of state. What sets them apart from the students in this group? No one knows where they're from. Yes, it's cool that you're from Montana or Idaho or Canada or somewhere else that has a lot of snow.....I don't care. If I take you out to dinner or even manage to cook food without burning it, I don't want to hear about how your mom made this exact same thing only better and that you would rather have that. Be lucky I didn't burn the flippin' place down!

Conversation with an Out of State Studnet
Me: Dang it's cold today
Them: You think it's cold Utah Boy? I'm from Alaska, we only have two seasons. Winter and more winter.
Me: Dude, chill.....mehe, see what I did there?

6) Show-Off Student

Yes....we all know you can hacky sack. We all know that you can play the first three violin concertos by Vivaldi. We know you have an entire box of level 100 pokemon. Stop talking and let us speak. In fact...let the teacher speak....... Ask a question or two even.

Conversation with a Show-Off Student
Them: Ya, I know like three or four different versions of If you could hie to Kolob on the piano. No big deal. I'm also learning guitar. Want to hear me play?
(proceeds to play two chords over and over again)

7) Hipster Student
Go to any philosophy or humanities class and you will see the hipster student in their natural habitat. It's not that they're irritating....oh wait....they are. Half of the hipster students take those classes because they really do like to think and they really do understand. The other half just likes to learn different names that they can throw around at their friends then follow it up with the phrase, "you probably haven't heard of them".

Conversation with Hipster Student
Me: What class do you have next?
Them: Oh...you probably haven't heard of it...

8) RM Students
Dazed look in the eye? Obvious confusion on their face? Yes my friends...that is a very recent RM. That's really all that needs to be said. You can also tell who is an RM because their favorite pick-up line is "So I served my mission in __________" Girls be careful....they're on the prowl....

Conversation with RM Student
Me: Dude, you should ask her on a date
Them: I don't know....I haven't done this for two years
Me: Don't worry about it
Them: (Introducing themselves to girl) Hi, I'm Elder Smith. Can I make an appointment with you to go to a place and eat food?
Me:.....I should have made him flash cards....

9) That Student
Who is 'That Student'? They are the brilliant student that apparently never studies but manages to pass all of his classes with flying colors. They are masters of multitasking There are very few of these students left because in order to be this student you must sacrifice sleep. Something that no one wants to do. Sometimes though you can find them in the library late at night trying to avoid the people who kick you out.

Conversation with That Student
Me: Man, how do you do so good in all your classes?
Them: I just study a lot at night
Me: How do you stay awake?
Them: Don't worry about it.....

10) Oh gosh Student
These are the kids you worry about. How did they even make it? How do they even function?....oh well. Everyone is unique.

Conversation with the Oh gosh Student
Me: And that is how the law of gravity works
Them:......so......what you're saying is.....if I drop this pencil (drops it).....it will go down?....
Me:....oh gosh.....

Argument

Arguments
Some make sense.....other you just have to wonder

The Who, Paper Route, The Beatles, and Postal Service

These are some songs I've been listening to recently. They're pretty good.. Just sayin....

Man Points and Gentleman's points.

Every man since the beginning of time has carried around something very important. When a new boy is born into this world, they are given a man card.

What is the man card? I'm glad you asked

A man card is something that contains the total amount of man points that a man has. Some people have a goodly number in the positives such as David Tennant or Will Smith. Some people have negative like Justin Bieber or Prince. Some, such Clint Eastwood and Chuck Norris have so many man points that they ran out of positive numbers and they had to start counting in a different dimension.

But I digress

How does one gain man points?

Easy! Do something manly.

Did you build a bridge with your own bear (did that on purpose) hands? +100 man points

Did you tear down that bridge with a hammer? +100 more man points

Did you grow a mustache? + 50

Do you look good with it? + another 50

You can however go down.

Did you jump up and down in excitement when you saw a pony? -50

Did you say OMG in a context that wasn't making fun of people who say OMG? -50

Did you sing along to Justin Bieber? -50

Did you spend money to go to a Justin Bieber concert? Man card revoked

Now what about Gentleman's points?

Gentleman's points are the equivalent to the man points a girl gives out.

Did you give a girl flowers on a date? Man points
Did you give a girl flowers randomly? Gentleman point

Did you open the door for a girl? Gentleman point

Did you wear a suit and serenade her? Lots of gentleman points



Men....we must strive to keep these two cards filled up. Sometimes the Man points and Gentleman points may conflict. With that said....girls, give us a break if we act too goofy. We can't help it. We need man points.

I'm So Hipster that...

I'm so hipster.....

......my jeans are painted on

.....my ipod has the android symbol

.....that my vintage shirts are from the Victorian Era

.....that my shoes are just fabric wrapped around my foot

.....that I only have half a mustache

.....that my glasses have gravitational pull

.....that my favorite movie hasn't even come out yet

.....a recording of the wind chimes is on my ipod, just in case they hit it big

.....you probably haven't heard my name, it's really unknown and underground

.....I have a tattoo of Ernest Hemingway on my wrist

.....that I found deep made-up meaning in Twilight

....that I use a flashlight and water bottle for a lamp

....that I refer to The Beatles as The Quarrymen

.....I listen to an orange being blended and call in my new hit single

.....I eat the decorative leaves and say they have healing properties

.....My favorite color is reen. It's a combination red and green...you probably haven't seen it.

.....that I named my ukulele.

.....I changed my name to Dominic Mango

.....My favorite band is the lawnmower and leaf blower

.....by bicycle is hand pumped

.....my V-neck and Scarf are considered one piece of clothing

.....my beanie was tailor-made to not fit my head

You Might Be A Hipster If....


.....you only drink organic water

.....you have a pet armadillo

.....your V-neck goes to your belly button

.....your favorite superhero is Aqua-Man and you refer to him as Namor

.....you know that Aqua-Man and Namor are two different people

.....you smell bad but consider it your natural perfume

......your named is spelled in numbers

.....if someone asks if you like something you automatically think its an obscure band. (ex. 'do you like apple juice?'   'ya, I saw them at the Muse last week')

.....you don't like Arcade Fire anymore

......you can't say 'mainstream' without a condescending smirk

.....you think everything is about the human condition

.....if you are not reading this

.....if you read this and decided to try and correct me in the comments

Johnny Cash: What a Legend

Every once in a while, you here a song and think, "That should be my theme song". Those are the good songs that help you realize who you are.

But then there is another type of song. Not a song that makes you realize what kind of person you are, but what kind of person you want to be.

I have found that kind of song. Originally written and sung by Tom Petty. Covered by the legend Johnny Cash

If you aren't convinced the Johnny Cash is the ultimate boss, myth, legend, etc. etc. then you need to listen to him some more. This dude's awesome. For all those people who say, "Eh, he's country. He's got noting I'll like".....well, here's his cover of a Nine Inch Nails song (done better if you ask me)

 

Change

It is the inevitable force that cannot be stopped by mortal man. People have tried to avoid change, to prolong their childhood and extend their days of merriment. But the moment will come when you realize that the only way to live is to cast off the mask of youth and embrace the veneer of responsibility. Do not think that I am saying cast off everything, forsake that which is childish and pursue what is considered mature and grown-up. I am saying that we need to learn to balance. To accept that we are no longer young and that we have added responsibilities. I have realized that I need to grow up. That does not mean however that I am going to stop doing what makes me happy. I probably won't stop playing pokemon. I probably won't stop playing Ukulele or Guitar. I will even probably continue to play around with my sonic screwdriver, lightsaber, and Green Lantern Ring.

Growing up isn't the end of youth, it is the dawn of life. You be who you want to be. No one can ask any less of you.

Infomercialites

Infomercialites
Clever little buggers

Famous Last Words

I'm not saying last words as in the last words someone says before they die. I'm talking about the last words at the end of an epic movie. When you watch a great movie, what could possibly make it better? Oh I know....An awesome ending line!


"Even if we, the gods, are abandoned or forgotten, the stars will never fade, never. They will burn till the end of time."
- Clash of the Titans (1981)


"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it. Always."
- Gandhi (1982) 


"As you wish"
- The Princess Bride (1987)


"I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you."
- The Matrix (1999)


"Now we are free. I will see you again, but not yet. Not yet."
- Gladiator (2000)


"Whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words: 'With great power comes great responsibility.' This is my gift. My curse. Who am I? I'm Spider-Man."
- Spider-Man (2002)

"You alone can make my song take flight. It's over now, the music of the night."
- The Phantom of the Opera (2004)


No one will ever forget that night and what it meant for this country. But I will never forget the man and what he meant to me. 
- V for Vendetta (2006)


"Everything you have seen is an illusion. It's a trick"
- The Illusionist (2006)


"And it is said the princess returned to her father's kingdom. That she reigned there with justice and a kind heart for many centuries. That she was loved by her people. And that she left behind small traces of her time on earth, visible only to those who know where to look."
- Pans Labyrinth (2006)

"...So we'll hunt him because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight"
- The Dark Knight (2008)


"I prefer Magneto"
- X-Men: First Class (2011)

I just think these lines are epic and some of the movies are pretty cool to.

The Sapphire Skies: Sinners Waltz

I'm living in a reality

That I made in a half dreamt dream

I tried to make perfection

But I'm still a far ways off

And you can ask, how was this done?

A trick of fancy a feat of fun?

I could try and reveal the answer

But I don't know how myself

For what demons lie behind green eyes

They're waiting for my soul to fly

And take me to reality

Where all my worries dwell

So lead me to the goblin king

Hide me from a heartless queen

A false hope understanding

All fancies fly on wings

So take me to a world of friction

Where hearts a line and fact meets fiction

Save me from this life

I am an elder son

And paint me with my velvet faults

And dance along, this sinners waltz

Is just a small comparison

To the hatred of the pure

I do not seek for retribution

I only ask for revolution

Fight against the judgers

For there's only one allowed

And Hide me from the world unfair

And take me into peaces lair

The world is ending soon

And I do not wish to stay

They paint me with my velvet faults

And make me dance a sinners waltz

But they are not my masters

They are not my judge

-The Sapphire Skies