Coming home from an LDS mission can give a person culture shock no matter where you served. I was introduced formally to "vines", "the Cloud", and "Frozen" among other things.
However, the strangest thing that I was acquainted with was this "Tinder" thing. A dating app that all you have to do is swipe left or right? The only thing you have to judge is how a person looks, what common interests are, and a less than 500 character description? Let's see what happens....
Now, I'm not here to do a review because my opinion in these things isn't worth anything. I will say that the app seems to attract the a different type of person than the regular dating websites and such (how do I know that....shut up......)
So based on observation and science, here are:
"The 10 Types of Girl on Tinder"
(side note: all names are made up)
1. The Normal Ones
Who are the normal ones? How can you tell? For starters, they treat this like an actual dating app. They introduce themselves, give relevant information, then end. Nothing more, nothing less. They know why this app exists are are going to use it for its designer created purpose. Their pictures are normal too. One of them smiling, another maybe with a friend, and another of them by themselves doing something normal.
Bio of a Normal One:
Hi! I'm Lucy. I'm a 5'5" girl with blond hair and blue eyes. LDS. I'm going to BYU in the fall studying something. I like hiking and video games. If we hang out, we will probably watch netfix and play mario. I'm kind of a nerd.
Don't be Shy! Chat me!
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2. The Sneaky Ones
These are the girls that have done something to the age thing and made them appear older or younger than they really are. Besides that, they usually fall into one of the other groups as well (it is possible to have a combination of groups here). While in some cases harmless (it says 20 but they're really 19), other cases can make you rethink downloading the app (says 21, they're actually 16).
Bio of a Sneaky One
Lol, not actually 21 but 17. StUPiD facebook >.< im just here to meet.......(etc.)
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3. The Confusing Ones
The Confusing Ones are the people who confuse you. You see their pictures and their bio and it doesn't match up. For example, girls who say, "I'm not looking for a hook up but I do like to have a good time".....
What in the world does that mean? That's like saying, "no...but yes"
Another example are the girls saying they don't want want to actually use the app and that their friends or room-mates are forcing them. Then they proceed to give a very clear and precise description of themselves and the guy they're looking for. I'm just sitting their thinking, "sure your friends "forced" you to do this..."
Bio of a Confusing One
Like OMG, this is so embarrassing. My friends are making me do this. I'm a 5'2" Shorty. Gemini and I act like it (author note: what does that even mean?) Blond but sometimes brunette/strawberry pink. I'm just looking for a guy with big muscles, a jeep, and a beard to take me on an adventure. If you like starbursts that's a plus. I'm not looking for a hook up because I'm not that kind of girl. But I do like to have fun! lol
(insert instagram/snapchat/skype name)
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4. The "Cow-Girls"
Are you country at heart? Do you like muscles and beards? Do you only listen to Tim McGraw and whoever else is famous at the moment? You must be a "Cow-Girl". Without fail they will have a picture of them with a horse and a couple nature shots out on the open range (they will be very overdressed to catch sheep.)
Bio of a Cow-Girl
I love country music and I'm a total country girl. I love horses and the country. I wish I actually lived in the country. Take me to the country?....
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5. The ?????'s
Who are these people? Where did they come from? Like....seriously.....those are the questions you think when you see their tinder profiles. Do they look strange? They could. They could also look totally normal and it's their bio that makes you think, "what the what?
Bio of a ?????
Take me on a ride on your motorcycle to the moon. :) (is that a double entendre?....I'm not getting it....)
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6. The Movies
It could be anyone. Their bio only contains a quote from a movie. If I didn't know better, they could be the character!
Here are the popular ones:
"So...big gulps huh?"
"I'm________ and I like to Party"
(if you have more, leave them in the comments)
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7. The "One of the Bros"
They are basically dudes. And strangely enough, a lot of them are really attractive. The do all the things that are stereotypical for dudes: Hunting, motocross, shotgun shooting, etc. I could be putting a huge judging stamp on them, but their bio makes me think of a dude in a girls body. (side note, I am not making a statement on gender roles here. This is light satire....get over it.)
Bio of "One of the Bros"
Hey, I'm Tory. I'm a 5'8" ball of joy. I love hunting with the guys and living in the woods eating nothing but pine cones and wood larvae. Message me and we'll go on an adventure!
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8. The Sneaky Bros
Simply put, they are dudes that somehow ended up on the girls page. Moving on
I've never read their bios.....the wind doesn't blow that way for me.
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9. The Models
These girls are drop dead gorgeous. All her pictures are from a photo shoot. Even the not photo shoot pictures of her are amazing. She's perfect! She's the one! She.....has no personality......dang it. (swipe left)
Bio of The Model
I'm looking for the wun. (insert emojis I don't understand)
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10. The Mysterious Ones
Nothing is known about here. She has no bio. Maybe pictures will give a hint....huh.....5 selfie pictures of her bangs and left eye.......
Bio of The Mysterious One
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Now lets be serious for a second:
There you have it. Now, I want to give some advise to some of those on tinder. I generally think of myself as one of those, "Nice, Sweet guys" that everyone is looking for (albeit a tad sarcastic and a weakness for thinking that a lot of people are idiots). So for the sake of the good guys out there and for the wholesome girls I know are out there here are the do's and don'ts for girls.
DON'T
- Post duck face selfies
- Post selfies at all really
- Try and dress immodestly or wear too much make-up. It can be scary....
- Be so shallow as to say you will only date someone with the muscle structure of The Hulk
- Invite people to chat if you're really not willing to.
- Post pictures hugging another dude....that's just uncomfortable.
- Friend-Zone the poor bro before he even swipes right.
and for the dudes there are only 2
- Don't have your shirt off
- and don't be a tool.
If you want to attract the "nice guys" do this
- Be intelligent.
- Have a personality
- Don't fit the cookie cutter mold of wanting "adventure with a buff bearded bro on his boat/motorcycle/4 wheeler hybrid (that's also part horse)."
- Don't try so hard. With the make up and fashion shows, it almost feels like window shopping (which is really uncomfortable.)
There you have it. I'll probably make fun of tinder and such again. Nothing personal....it's just too easy.
Hope you enjoyed. And if not....let the angry tyrade letters begin!
-Mann
